No. 23: Far From the Fairway
Dear Pards,
I am an 86-year-old Grandmother and Great Grandmother who began playing golf in 1958 in my college gym with a club and practice spring-back ball on a rubber mat. After swinging and missing the ball a few times, I connected with a good whack, sending the ball off the rubber mat and straight through the gym window, leaving a fair-sized hole and a pile of broken glass. This brought me to the conclusion that I was better off teaching canoeing than hitting the golf course, or possibly a bystander. Since that time, my sons and grandsons have grown and become well involved in the sport, and my interest in golf has resurfaced, not as a participant, but as a bystander and “cheerleader” of sorts for my family.
Your column is very well-researched and cleverly written, with humor and wisdom, to ignite the interest of anyone with little or lots of golf knowledge! It’s a winner, and I’m thankful you’re here to enlighten me in the sport! Please sign me up and flood both my inbox and mailbox with a subscription!
-Still Paddling in Ambler
Dear Still Paddling,
First off, I want to thank you for your kind words. You are the first one from [looks up name before Boomers], the Silent Generation, to subscribe to this crazy project. To quote my favorite RangeGoat: “I never got this far in my dreams.”
While I applaud your wisdom and discernment in transitioning from golf to canoeing, the Norwegian fans' reaction to Viktor Hovland's win last week in Hartford might suggest that rowing and this silly game are more alike than you think.
I think you’ll be surprised to learn that the result of your first bout with golf was not much different from the rest of us from time to time. Even the professionals. Believe it or not, that short grass we golfers call the fairway is sometimes the furthest thing away from where even some of the game’s best have hit it.
In hopes of making you feel better about breaking a little glass in college, I put together a list of my favorite places that golfers (who play for money) have hit a modern-day spinless ball at or in during a professional event.
Someone’s pocket - 2014 Tour Championship. Red-Nike-drivered Rory pulled his tee shot straight into the pleated pocket of an Auburn fan at East Lake.
A shoe - The OG “shoey.” Brooks Koepka's errant tee shot at the 2021 Farmers found its way into a random pair of sneakers on the back of a golf cart. Why or how was that even there in the first place? Ask Sellers Shy.
Their playing partner’s Mom - We’ve all seen a joke taken too far. Especially in regard to another man’s mother. G-Mac toed this very line in the fall of 2015 at the RSM Classic when he hit the ankle of Kevin Kisner’s mom with his tee shot on the par-5 7th at Sea Island. Not cool, bro.
A transfusion - Adam Schenk hit a ball right of 16 in the first round of the 2024 Amex that landed straight into a cup full of what seems to be vodka, grape juice with a splash of ginger. (Yes, you pronounce his last name the same way you’d describe that shot in your college gym)
A cactus - Final round of the 2014 WM Open. A red-sharpied Srixon hit far right by the Smallrus at the par-4 11th found itself stuck to the spine of a Scottsdale cactus.
A tree - This has happened multiple times in Florida palms. My favorite though, by far, was the ball that settled in what looked like some form of Sycamore in the final round at Bay Hill in 2013. Zacchaeus Sergio proceeds to climb the tree, hit the ball out with one hand, then stick the landing on his way down. Which leads me to my next favorite shot from the captain of the Fireballs.
A lady’s diamond ring - Mr. Steal Your Girl Garcia. A tug off the tee (while leading!) in the final round of the WGC Bridgestone did more than just hit a lady in the hand. It knocked the cushion-cut crystal straight off of her engagement ring! Thankfully, it was found; otherwise, Sergio would have been ring shopping in Akron.
A cart cupholder - This wasn’t a pro golfer, though he often plays like one. NBA star Steph Curry hit his opening tee shot at the 2017 Ellie Mae Classic into the cupholder of a golf cart. A round that ended in an impressive 74 from the greatest shooter of all time.
Their wife’s head - At the 2019 Bryon Nelson, Tyler Duncan swipes his second on the par 4 13th, which ended up bouncing off of–you heard it right–his wife’s dome. That’s one way to earn a night on the couch.
A roof - The last one is from the GOAT himself. Sir Eldrick in Akron at the ‘06 Bridgestone sprayed one long right of a green that then hit a walkway, bounced over the gabled portion of the clubhouse, and onto the flat, white membrane-roofed kitchen, rattling around what appeared to be a couple of condensing units.
If none of these made you feel better about breaking a little window at the gym, I’d encourage you to watch retired professional-turned TV analyst Johnson Wagner reenact (good) shots from the exact spot they happened at events he covers. Which, as you will learn, is oftentimes more suspenseful than the actual event.
While I do not condone intentionally hitting humans with golf balls, I hope this helped you put your broken window to bed and maybe even encouraged you to trade the paddle for a putter the next time you find yourself outside.
Thanks for your support.
P╞r╠℮P.S. All month, the Postage Stamp at the top of the newsletter will be St. Andrews, by Dave Baysden, in honor of the Open coming up next week. It’s also the art on this month’s print for members of the Postage Club.
Multi-generational. Our community of readers, writers, and (sometimes) golfers. Later this week, the USPS–which was around before we started naming generations–will help deliver the July edition of our mail club.If you haven’t subscribed, there’s no better time than today. The first month’s free, so there’s really no reason not to. Use code PARDS for that first month on us. Thankful you’re here.
